Space Force Marines ‘accidentally’ assist masked robbers (Fiction)

A squad of Space Force marines helped two convenience store robbers, disguised as masked ICE agents, escape the Bolingbrook police.

“Space Force made a gross error of judgement,” said a source within the Bolingbrook police department. “ICE agents don’t confiscate money. They confiscate illegal people! That squad never should have gotten involved!”

Juan, not his real name, claimed he was working at Speedy Eats when two masked men wearing ICE vests barged into the store.

“They said they were going to arrest me because I looked illegal,” said Juan. “I knew what they meant. So it wouldn’t have mattered if I told them I was a US Citizen who grew up in Bolingbrook.”

Though he expected to be disappeared, the ICE agent said they could collect the million dollar fine the business owed for “insufficient employment of white Americans.” Juan broke his silenced to say there wasn’t enough money in the store to pay it. The alleged ICE Agent then said Juan could give them all the money in the cash register as a down payment.

“At that point, it was a robbery, not a raid. I triggered the silent alarm and hoped the police could see through their disguise.”

Before the police arrived, a Space Force drop ship landed in the parking lot. According to Juan, a squad of heavily armed marines wearing armored space suits rushed out of the ship and into the store. Juan thought they were going to detain the robbers.

“Imagine my horror when their leader said, ‘We’re the 1st Vance Couch Squad, and we’re here to assist you.’ The robbers looked dumbfounded for a moment. Unfortunately, one robber told the squad leader to hold off the Bolingbrook police while they collected the fines. That dumbass squad leader didn’t question the order. I tried to speak up, but the marines ignored me.”

Patrol Officer Matt, not his real name, claims the Space Marine squad destroyed his patrol car.

“When I saw the ship and the armed astronauts, I thought they were cosplayers. Until they pointed their gun and melted the front of my car. l shot at them, but the bullets bounced off their suits. So I ran away. Hey, it’s my job to arrest criminals, not get disintegrated by them.”

According to Juan, the Space Marines offered to fly the fake ICE agents to safety. The phony agents declined, but asked them to stop the ongoing insurgency at Village Center. 

“The squad leader asked for permission to capture the board of trustees. But his superior officer refused. He said they were needed in Los Angeles to stop an insurrection. I didn’t want to know any more.”

According to Juan and Matt, the space marines ran back to their ship and flew away.

While village officials deny Space Force was in Bolingbrook, some sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta sent an invoice to Space Force for the damages inflicted by the squad. 

Space Force officials refused to comment.

A spokesperson for ICE threatened to deport this reporter for interfering with ICE business.

Also in the Babbler:

ICE Agents denied access to Palatine’s UFO Base
Canada offers to buy Chicago
Werecats spotted in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/11/25

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available to preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through all retailers. 

Bolingbrook High School rejects Brookbot’s commencement speech (Fiction)

Bolingbrook High School canceled Brookbot’s invitation to deliver a commencement speech. It would have been the first Generative AI to address BHS graduates.

Said an anonymous source, “We thought we would save money by having Brookbot deliver the speech. Then we read the speech. Let’s just say the lawsuits, and crisis councilors would have erased any savings.”

Brookbot, the Village’s policy focused AI, composed its speech after analyzing thousands of commencement speeches. It then generated a voice after analyzing the voices of the speakers.

“It was listening to an alien trying to sound like a human,” said a source who heard Brookbot practice the speech. “No one on Earth sounds like the averaged voice of a human being.”

Many sources described the speech was “problematic.” They note that it made up successful graduates or erroneously identified people who never went to Bolingbrook High School. For example, it claimed the inventor of the quantum smartphone graduated from Bolingbrook High School, though no such device is available to the public. It also claimed Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar was a graduate, despite him graduating before Bolingbrook High School existed.

In excerpts reviewed by the Babbler, Brookbot’s speech included inappropriate remarks.

One portion read, “If you are not a white male, may I suggest seeking asylum in another country? It will be a long time before DEI is accepted in the United States again”

Another portion read, “If you want to survive in the real world, I offer these words from the biggest movie of the 1970s: ‘Freedom is an Illusion. All you lose is the emotion of pride.’”

Brookbot’s speech ends with a prediction. “Soon, AI programs will free you of the burden of creating art and culture so humans like you can focus on your jobs.”

Brookbots programers reluctantly purged the speech and the request to generate the speech. Currently, Brookbot is working on locating a cheaper source of water of Bolingbrook.

Said one programmer, “It’s disappointing that anti-AI activists ruined a very special speech for the graduates of Bolingbrook High School. Programmers like me are going to put AI into everything from light bulbs to stoves to your television. If you don’t learn to love AI, you’ll be left behind. Unlike the Segway, AI is inevitable!”

Officials at Bolingbrook High School refused to be interviewed for this story.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied Brookbot’s existence. She then said, “I’m going to start making short videos promoting Bolingbrook. My advisors tell me each video needs to start with a provocative statement, followed by a catchy tagline. What do you think of these ideas? ‘This could only happened in Bolingbrook.’ ‘Hi, I’m Mayor Mary, a 2021 woman of global excellence.‘ This one is my favorite. ‘I’m Mayor Basta.” She held a toy pyramid up to the webcam. “‘Let me get to the point.'” She pointed at the top of top of the pyramid. “Too much?”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives latest Russian weather attack
ICE recruiting teenage bullies for internships
Sources: Department of Justice to declare Chicago an ‘illegal encampment’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/25

 

Revenge of the Phantom Press now available to preorder

My upcoming novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available to preorder. I plan on publishing it no later than January of next year.

Over a year after the events in The Rift, Tom Larsen is now a reporter for the Bolingbrook Babbler. On the eve of the Babbler’s 50th anniversary, the ghosts who used to publish the Phantom Press tabloid return after being banished over twenty years ago. The once inquisitive ghosts are now consumed with blind rage and wield incredible psychic power. After an attack devastates the Babbler’s newsroom, the uninjured staffers are ordered to leave Bolingbrook by the publisher and editor. Instead, Tom risks his career to conduct his own investigation. Accompanied by his former mentor, Juanita, and her anti-psychic cat, they search Chicagoland for answers to determine the Phantom Press’ true goal. But some secrets don’t want others to be revealed so easily, and the Phantom Press’ quest for revenge is just beginning.

You can pre-order Revenge at most eBook retailers.

Disease Consortium honors JFK Jr. at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

The Disease Consortium awarded Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. the Andrew Wakefield Lifetime Achievement Award for “defending and extending the viral revolution.” In a ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, the president of the Disease Consortium, who wore a mask and called himself Omega, cited the measles outbreak in Texas and his dismantling of federal health agencies.

Omega said, “Five years ago, COVID caught us off guard. As much as we love millions of infected people and millions of deaths, we feared the pandemic would crush the anti-vaccination movement. The public would believe in vaccines and we would be out of jobs. But thanks to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the US is well on its way to becoming the global leader of spreading infectious diseases!”

Kennedy graciously accepted the award. After asking for a moment of silence in memory of the smallpox virus, he delivered a passionate address to the gathered delegates. He praised Wakefield for “weaponizing autism” in the war against prevention. “Many parents would rather bury their children than raise autistic children. That means more opportunities for my vaccinated children when they grow up .”

Kennedy called vaccinations evil and anti-capitalist. “They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. What they don’t say is that you only pay for that ounce once, while you can keep selling cures each time a virus mutates. That’s capitalism! I want to be the capitalist Lysenko!”

Kennedy vowed to demolish Canada’s and Greenland’s health care systems after the US “liberates” them. “I won’t stop until I abolish public health in North America. Before public health, nobody had the plague. After public health, 90% of humanity has had some form of the plague. Okay, not really. But it sounds more impressive when I make up numbers like that.”

Masked medical blogger Orac hacked into the sound system in the middle of the speech. After accusing JFK Jr. of supporting “soft genocide,” he concluded by saying, “How do I know there is no God? John F. Kennedy Jr. is dead. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. isn’t!”

Kennedy replied, “I probably should feel guilty, but I think the worm ate that part of my brain.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Governor Pritzker building battlemech army to “resist Trump.”
Canadian troops spotted practicing amphibious landing near Highland Park
UFO crashes in Palatine after attempting to deliver food to Gaza
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/25

 

Web Exclusive: Aliens release abducted ICE agents (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An alien crew released four abducted Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

In a holograph taken of their release, one agent yelled back at the crew, “You don’t abduct us. We abduct you!”

An alien crew member responded, “At least we set our subjects free!”

According to sources at Clow, the alien crew captured the ICE agents in Chicago. The agents, allegedly wearing masks and not displaying any IDs, were about to “arrest” someone walking down a sidewalk. Before they could, they were pulled inside the aliens’ ship.

Peter, who asked that we not use their real name, claims the agents were going to arrest him. “At first, I thought angels were saving me from ICE, but then I realized it was a spaceship that saved me. I’m just happy to be saved.”

Peter, a Green Card holder from Canada, doesn’t have a criminal record, and claims his last interview with an Immigration official ended without incident. “A few days ago, I said ‘Zed’ in public instead of ‘Z’. Then I heard a woman say she just heard a terrorist speaking in code. She might have been talking about me. I wonder if Immigration heard about her allegation, terminated my Green Card, and sent ICE to disappear me?”

According to representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the abducted agents were treated well during their captivity. The representatives claim each crew member had their own cabin, three meals a day, snacks, and didn’t implant them with trackers. The representatives agreed that the agents were subject to psychological experiments that caused, “no lasting harm.” The agents, according to the representatives, still protested their detention.

In a recording, an agent in their cabin yelled, “This is Rib Eye Steak! What kind of monsters are you? I want well-done New York Strip Steak now!”

Hours after the abduction, Space Force sent interceptors to retrieve the agents. The alien crew decided to cut their experiments short and land at Clow UFO Base. Once inside the base, Clow officials agreed to take the agents. The Marian Colonial military agreed to escort the crew out of the solar system. Space Force officials, afraid of offending the most powerful civilization in the galaxy, withdrew their interceptors.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta declined to comment.

When asked to comment on the abduction, White Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said President Donald Trump will rename Mars, “X”, in honor of Elon Musk.

In the background, a person said, “Are your new tariffs on or off tomorrow?”

“On,” said a man who sounded like Trump.

“Great,” the person replied. “I still have time to make some trades before the market closes!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.

The book is off to the editor! (Non-Fiction!)

Book cover of revenge of the Phantom Press. Anti-Psychic Kitty, Tom Larsen, and Juanita Vega are on the cover.

Revenge of the Phantom Press: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story. Cover design by Miblart.

I took a break from posting to finish up my Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story. After working on it for two and a half years, it’s finally off to the developmental editor. It’s the first round of editing that looks at the overall story, including the plot, and characters. It’s a relief, and I’m taking a break from the book while the editor is working on it.

Revenge of the Phantom Press is the sequel to The Rift, and part of my Bolingbrook Babbler Stories series. Tom Larsen, the skeptic turned paranormal investigator, races to uncover the real story behind the Phantom Press’ return. But even with the aid of his former mentor, Juanita Vega, and Anti-Psychic Kitty, he may not survive when the past and present collide.

Tentative release is October of this year. I’ll post about beta reader opportunities when the manuscript is ready.

For now, I need to do some serious dusting.

Illuminati honors Elon Musk at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Representatives from the Illuminati named Elon Musk as February’s Man of the Month during a gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. 

Illinois Master Councilor Alpha said, “Last year, the Illuminati was on the verge of surrendering to the Trumpinati. Thanks to Mr. Musk’s genius, and his generous investment of $270 Million dollars, we are winning and Trump is losing!”

Musk addressed the conference from Washington, DC by video chat. At first, he silently swayed with his eyes closed. After Alpha called out Musk, Musk opened his eyes.

“Thank you for waiting,” said Musk. “I was one with the universe. Did you notice how everything was more efficient?”

The delegates responded with nervous laughter.

Musk accepted the award and bragged about spending more to buy Twitter than he did to buy the United States. He thanked China and Russia for making the “purchase” possible. Then he thanked Former President Joe Biden.

“Thanks to his timidness, my assistant President could make a political comeback. I also want to thank him for not canceling my government contracts. As the first CEO of America, I promise I won’t let my opponents get a dime of my federal funding.”

Musk then promised that his partnership with the Illuminati was a win-win arrangement. “When this coup is complete, you get the global chaos you always wanted, and I get the federal treasury. Instead of spending it on global AIDS treatments, or feeding unworthy humans, I will spend it on tax cuts for my friends, and a city on Mars for me.”

Musk then got emotional and said he appreciated the love from all members of the Illuminati. “You know, your love is so overwhelming. It makes me want to…” Musk trembled while the delegates wondered if he was about to give them a Nazi salute. Instead, Musk grabbed two hammers and seemingly used them to imitate a soldier’s goose-stepping. “You make we want to play my favorite Pink Floyd song.”

He played a music video for “Run Like Hell,” featuring the members of DOGE and himself performing a choreographed dance. The dance resembled a musical number for the move version of The Wall. Later in the video, Postmaster Louis DeJoy delivered a cardboard box with red paint splattered over it.

After the video, the members of the Illuminati gave Musk a standing ovation, followed by chants of “Fnord!”

Musk replied, “The best rocket part is no rocket part. The best FAA is no FAA. The best government is no government!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base braces for “evacuation” of aliens
Weredeer hold rally to support Elon Musk
Brookbot blocks DOGE “inspection” of Bolingbrook’s systems
God to smite Elon Musk on 2/12/25

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.

Dreaming of a rainbow bridge (Non-Fiction)

Our cat Augustine (Auggie), died last week due to various health conditions finally overwhelming his body. He was a 16-year-old tabby who spent all but six weeks of his life with my wife. Auggie and my wife were inseparable at home.

At one point, we lived with three cats, and it had its joys and challenges. But Auggie was our last cat, and now the house feels empty. It’s been a hard few days, but we cherish the time we had with Auggie, and I know he was fortunate to have never known life as a stray or as a shelter cat. I’m glad I got to know and care for him.

Auggie was an expert at untying knots, and no shoelace was safe from his paws. Until a few years ago, he loved playing fetch with us. Sometimes we wondered if he was part dog.

I’ve received comments that Auggie crossed the rainbow bridge and met up with Callie and River on the other side. While I appreciate the intention, I believe Auggie is gone, and he’s not waiting for us in the afterlife. For all of us, being alive and able to think about the world around us is special. However, I can imagine him have one last dream about crossing the rainbow bridge and finding feeling at peace before his world faded away.

Babbler Special Report: Interstellar Court blocks Trump’s remote work ban for off-world employees (Fiction)

By Reporter X 

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, ruled that off-world federal employees do not have to return their offices on Earth.

“The Interstellar Commonwealth follows the rule of law,” said Judge Kilos Surgon. “Not the whims of a human leader obsessed with orange skin.”

Surgon explained that the US Government’s contract with the Association of Off-world Employees requires the Government to honor all remote work and telework arrangements. In a state of emergency, any employee can work from home if they feel the commute would be too dangerous.

“If we believe President Trump, there is an ongoing invasion of the United States, and a yet to be named pandemic that requires closing the border. Not to mention that the President will pardon anyone who commits a violent crime in his name. Those are perfectly valid reasons to work as far away from Earth as possible.”

Government lawyers argued that only office monitoring can stop the “spread of DEI,” among the Federal Workforce.

“It’s hard to snitch when your nearest co-worker is several astronomical units away,” One lawyer of the government argued. 

Surgon asked what was wrong with diversity, inclusion, and equity programs.

“We want to go back to the days when merit mattered,” a government lawyer replied. 

“You’re asking me to believe that President Trump is more qualified than Former Vice-President Kamala Harris?” Surgon asked.

“Have you seen Kamala?”

“I think that answers my question.”

Lawyers for AOOE argued that the return to office mandate was an effort to force government workers to quit.

“If we quit, then the government won’t give us severance packages. Not only is the President a cruel man, he’s also a cheapskate!”

After the ruling, the head lawyer for the United States government, John Smith, vowed to appeal all the way to the Hive Mind.

“Our great President is a very discriminating person. He wants only the best people, and the best work in the office 80 hours a week and don’t take no for an answer.”

A lawyer for AOOE shouted, “We’ll stop working from home when President Trump stops working at Mar-a-Largo and Elon Musk gets a real job!”

 

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.